Read this and save $35,000
Okay, you’re feeling a little depressed. You’re not the man you used to be and that’s just from last year’s version! Your sex drive is on a side road at school zone speed. Money isn’t everything but at least it keeps the kids in touch. You have no idea who the Grammy nominees are and in fact have never heard of Coco Jones, Ice Spice, Gracie Adams, Jelly Roll… (and could care less!). On the other hand you’re familiar with ACE Inhibitors, statins and Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors and gulp about a dozen Tylenol a day. Your mother and father passed on years ago. You hate pickle ball. You’ve been to four funerals in the past two months. You’ve sworn you’ve move out of the country if Trump gets elected but where would you go? You’re not saying it out loud but have begun to wonder, what’s the point?
Therapy sure helped forty years ago when you had that mid-life crisis. So let’s see, once a week for about four years, about hundred and seventy a session if your therapist doesn’t take Medicare… do you have about $35,000 to spare? What would you be talking about if you were prone on the couch instead of looking in the mirror pushing up your cheeks to try and look younger? You’d start by looking back at your life to see what’s bringing on the night sweats.
You’re good at Balance Sheets. Let’s make one, the events that gave you meaning, pleasure, and inspiration on the Assets column and on the Liabilities side the rough-on-the-psyche stuff that left you reeling from shame and regret. Go deeper than your first ‘kiss’ or winning the Soap Box Derby at the County Fair. Look at what you don’t ordinarily rehash, and determine what was really important, and what was more like a flashy extension of your ego. Marrying your wife; divorcing your wife. Making your first million; thinking of the toll it took on your personal life to get to seven figures? Winning a Clio? Adopting your daughter? Playing golf; taking a gap year and traveling through Europe? Buying a new Lexus LC500 with the 21” forged black alloy wheels; starting a not-for-profit in the name of your deceased kid brother to provide cancer treatment for disadvantaged kids?
You must come to grips with your past, resolving the issues that have lingered on, creating closure even in the absence of an amiable conclusion. It isn’t easy. But you cannot change the past. Facing it without the fictional rewrite, is ‘the work’ that must be done. Ultimately you must take responsibility for the role you played in the inscrolled history. You must go beyond words of sorrow and regret and the quid pro quo of apology/forgiveness (which you may not get!). You must make amends, which is vastly different. No excuses, no blame; the responsibility rests on your shoulders; you hold yourself accountable however harsh the spotlight. And behold, the light that revealed your darkest shadows illuminates the path ahead! A floodtide of love dispels the hurt and anger that stood in the way of resolving estranged relationships; bitterness and despair dissolve.
No longer stuck in “What was,” you can look clearly at the realities of “What is.” You begin to figure out the options. If you can’t bend down to tie your shoe, wear a moccasin style that you can slip into. By acknowledging the losses that come with aging you can create a life that is doable, growing evermore mindful of the unexpected gains that compensate for the inevitable losses. Is that a red bellied Northern Cardinal? How beautiful to see. I had always rushed past this grove of trees running for the bus.
Let’s circle back to the Balance Sheet. Define your Net Worth with a criterion that is dramatically different from the Wharton School model and you’re thirty-five grand to the good!
Still active at age 91, Howard Englander’s essays guide readers to the realization that growing old can be a rewarding journey filled with joy and profound new discoveries. He is the author of Embracing Elderhood: The Three Stages of Healthy, Happy and Meaningful Senior Years. Published in hard copy and digital format, the book is available on Amazon.com and from the publisher, Rowman&Littlefield.com.